Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
This weekend was Rosie's 2nd birthday party. What a big day she had! She stuffed herself with cake and bounced until she dropped, which was followed by a giant PUKE this morning -- partied a bit too hard, perhaps. I know that I often have a lot going on in my head and worries that keep me a bit preoccupied, which is something that I'm really working on, but spending the past few days just really trying to be in the moment and reflect on what life means for me, I just keep returning to the same thought: I am just so grateful to be a mom. I won't lie, I've lead a relatively sheltered life, a great deal of which was by my own choosing (and that's another thing that I'm slowly trying to branch away from). I did have a period in my mid to late 20s where I got to do quite a bit of travelling, and for that I'm also very thankful, but overall, I've lived a lot of my life in a kind of bubble -- one that I fashioned myself for a lot of different reasons. I avoided a lot of living and instilled some unhealthy habits in myself that have proven very tough to break, but I never stop trying. I just never felt that I had found that person that I was meant for until I met my husband. I had constructed a safe life and convinced myself that I was happy that way and it was what I wanted -- then, I met Patrick... and my universe just exploded with love! I already loved him and Blaine (his son from a previous marriage) more than I ever thought it possible to love another person, and then when Rosie came along, that love grew exponentially. I feel like I have finally found where I'm meant to be. I love being a wife and mother, and I feel like I can take a bit of pride in that. I'm so very grateful to have a husband who loves me just as I am, while still challenging me to think and stretch beyond what I have always seen as my limitations. And as for the kids, well they just make me want to be the best me that I can possibly be. I want to continue learning and growing so that I can be an example for them to never settle or get comfortable enough to let life put you in a box. It's not always comfortable to confront the world head-on, but you'll never truly experience it otherwise. Here I'm 37 years old, and I feel like a kid just trying to soak up information and experience. So thank you Pat, Blaine and especially my sweet Rosie, for making me want to be better, for making me want to keep trying to conquer my fears and learn who I am every day. I honestly don't know who I would be or if I would like that person nearly as much as the person I am now becoming, due in no small part to all of you. I'm counting myself among the lucky ones today.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Tomorrow is my mom's birthday, and that's often a tough day for me to get through, even though it's been 20 years since she passed. Thursday is my daughter's birthday -- she's turning 2 this year (a biggie). So, on the eve of both anniversaries, each signifying someone who means the world to me, I find myself with mixed emotions. On one hand, I feel the loss of my mom, who was my best friend and pretty much raised me on her own (even though I have a good relationship with my dad now, that wasn't always the case), and on the other hand, I'm so excited to see my baby girl growing a year older and inching toward the person she will become. It seems ironic that the presence of one could so amplify the loss of the other... I wish my mom could have lived to see my daughter; I know she would have loved her with all of her heart. Sometimes I can see her so clearly in my little girl -- it's simultaneously a source of great pride and of bitter-sweet pain. Every year, I resolve to make mom's birthday a happy day, and a great deal of the time I fail at that. I know that she wouldn't want that, and I certainly mean no dishonor to her memory, but remembering her passing triggers an actual physical reaction in me that I can't ignore no matter how I may try. I suppose I should explain that by saying that I began to suffer from near debilitating anxiety a few years after her passing (as a result of a lot of things, including never having properly mourned her death), and even though I have a fairly solid handle on it now, a significant day rolls around, and it's like my body is instantly aware of it even if I make every effort to keep my mind on the positive. It's a bit of a strange phenomenon, actually. I'm writing this post because I've just felt off today -- jittery and on edge -- and I suspect that is probably why. I've told friends and family before that I believe something broke in me when I lost my mom -- something that will in all likelihood never mend. I don't know if that's defeatist talk or not; to me, it's just stating a fact. My husband and my daughter have really saved me from a lot of this, and although I still struggle with anxiety, I am really trying to slowly but surely confront the things that I'm most afraid of so that I can remove them as "triggers" of the disorder. It's not common for me to write or speak about this at all unless it's to someone I know quite well. I am only blogging about it now because I know that most folks don't even know of this blog's existence, and it's a way for me to work through a few things. So, tomorrow I will remember my mom and once again try to make it a happy day, and Thursday I will celebrate the life of my beautiful little girl. I'm immeasurably grateful for the presence of both in my life.
Monday, August 16, 2010
It's been a really tough few days. The money we've been waiting on (and BANKING on, really) from the IRS hasn't come, and the bad news is that it may not come at all! I spent the day dealing with debtors that I have become delinquent with due to our financial situation just being too tight for everything to get paid. I'm not really sure why I bothered. After having a friend who works in collections tell me that I should at least make the effort to call them, and that maybe they could do something for me, I find myself no better off than I was this morning and, quite frankly, feeling quite a bit worse. So, this is the good it does to try and take responsibility for your debts. I know...woe is me and all that! I swear I'm not this emo all the time, mostly because I just don't have the time for it anymore. I've never been one to deal well with stress, I won't lie about that, and financial stress just runs me right to the edge of what I can handle and threatens to throw me over the side! I suppose it's just incredibly disheartening because I've put too much expectation into what all I was going to be able to take care of with this tax refund. I guess that's why folks tell you not to ever count on money that you don't currently have IN HAND! It's just been a long, hard, drawn-out, no end in sight FIGHT with the IRS from the moment we filed this year! I'm hoping that we'll still see at least some of that refund, but I can tell you that we're not going to get a single red cent without fighting for it! And so ... I guess I'll be putting on my boxing gloves and heading on downtown here in the next couple of days. Meanwhile, I don't think I'll spend anymore time trying to throw myself in front of the runaway horse! There, now I feel better.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
This is just a new idea that I had. It seems that I am always thinking of happy things that I attribute to my beautiful daughter. She has certainly turned the light on in me! So, I thought that maybe I would post a new thing that I thank her for each day. For those who are interested in such things, feel free to check back.
And TODAY I thank Rosie for...
Reintroducing me to the PURE JOY of peanut butter on graham crackers! I had honestly forgotten how good that particular combination tasted. It tastes like childhood summer days, where you came inside for a snack because it had started raining, and then you ended up playing Connect 4 on a blanket in the living-room floor while the rain POURED outside! Good times, indeed!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I had a few folks ask for this recipe at Patrick's birthday party this past weekend so...here you go:
4 to 5 ripe avocados
about 1/4 of a sweet onion (finely chopped)
liberal pinch of fresh cilantro (also finely chopped)
juice of 3 to 4 whole limes
Half the avocados & squeeze the flesh into a bowl (remove pits & stems). Mash them up well with a fork. Salt liberally (to taste). Stir in onion & cilantro. Squeeze in the juice of 3 to 4 whole limes (more or less to taste). Blend well with fork until desired consistency is reached.
*note: I also have to give credit to Becky on this one. I believe she got the recipe while on a cruise some years back & passed it on to me. Another hit girl!!!